It hits you like a train. A derailed train of thought that is on the berserk barreling through your mind. You cannot stop it, direct it, or even slow it down.
It attacks with the ferocity of the escaped circus lion. It hunts for vindication. Prowling through your consciousness, and even your subconscious, it feeds on the fear, the confusion, the doubt, and the self loathing. Its appetite is never sated, until you have no feelings left to remind you that you are alive.
It is the fight you stop wanting to win. It is the fight that forces you to lay down and play dead until it, like a territorial Kodiak, passes you by. Only a snort of distaste for your meager struggles as it ambles by.
It drowns you with a heaviness you cannot tread. You cannot breathe or cry out for help. You are pulled down to the dark deep with no clue of up, down, forwards or back. It is an intangible weight that can only be noted as an unfortunate symptom of gravity.
How do you fight IT? Especially when it flits around your brain and defies understanding and sanity? It is an enemy that lies dormant, and moves invisibly. Its advancement is so subtle that you do not note its presence until your mind has been ensnared.
All you can do is lay there.
Unable to breathe.
Unable to close your eyes to the nightmare.
The only act of defiance you can muster is a single tear that escapes the corner of your eye.
The only outward sign of a tiny, humble, and silent cry for mercy.
It shudders at this sign of your desire for mercy. For such a desire will be met with incomparable love, by your greatest asset. The weapon you must draw. The weapon called VICTORY, for those that possess such a weapon will emerge victorious. The first and last weapon in your arsenal, your SAVIOR.
“4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” -Ephesians 2:4-5